449 lines
17 KiB
HTML
449 lines
17 KiB
HTML
<!doctype html>
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<meta charset="UTF-8" />
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0" />
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<title>Meet the Poulinkes — POULINKES.COM</title>
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<link
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rel="icon"
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href="data:image/svg+xml,<svg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 100 100'><text y='.9em' font-size='90'>🐔</text></svg>"
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/>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="/style.css" />
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</head>
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<body>
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<nav>
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<div class="nav-brand">🐔 POULINKES.COM</div>
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<ul>
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<li><a href="/">The Nest</a></li>
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<li><a href="/lore.html">Poulinke Lore</a></li>
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<li><a href="/meet.html">Meet the Flock</a></li>
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<li><a href="/conspiracies.html">Conspiracies</a></li>
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<li><a href="/shop.html">Egg Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="/join.html" class="cta">Join the Flock</a></li>
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</ul>
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</nav>
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<div class="page-hero">
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<div style="font-size: 4rem; margin-bottom: 1rem">👑</div>
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<h1>Meet the Legendary Poulinkes</h1>
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<p>
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These are not ordinary chickens. Ordinary chickens do not have Wikipedia
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pages that have been repeatedly deleted. These do.
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</p>
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</div>
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<section style="background: var(--egg-dark); padding: 5rem 2rem">
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<div class="profile-grid">
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<!-- SIR CLUCKSWORTH -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐔</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Sir Clucksworth the Eternal</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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First Among Poulinkes · High Cluck of the Eastern Coop
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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Sir Clucksworth has been documented in civilizations spanning
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4,000 years. Historians initially explained this as "different
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chickens with similar names." Historians have since gone very
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quiet on the subject. He is believed to be immortal, though he
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prefers the term <em>"temporally flexible."</em> He has attended
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every major world event in history and stood at the back,
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watching, not clucking.
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="94" style="width: 94%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">94/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="99" style="width: 99%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">99/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="31"
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style="width: 31%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">31/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">👁 Unsettling Stare</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill"
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data-value="100"
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style="width: 100%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">∞</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- HENJAMIN EGGLIN -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐓</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Henjamin Egglin</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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Philosopher · Egg Economist · Reluctant Celebrity
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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Henjamin Egglin wrote the seminal philosophical treatise
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<em
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>"I Cluck, Therefore I Am (And You Are Probably Also A
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Poulinke)"</em
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>
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in what appears to be beak-scratched markings on a wooden post in
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rural Wisconsin. The post is now in the Louvre. Henjamin has never
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commented on the display, but once pecked at the wall of the
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Louvre for 45 minutes and curators described the experience as
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"transformative."
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="71" style="width: 71%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">71/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="97" style="width: 97%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">97/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="12"
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style="width: 12%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">12/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">📚 Published Works</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="88" style="width: 88%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">88/100</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- COUNTESS FEATHERBOTTOM -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐔</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Countess Featherbottom von Egg</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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Aristocrat · Military Strategist · Inciter of Incidents
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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The Countess is believed to have personally caused fourteen
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international incidents, three stock market corrections, and the
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2016 global avocado shortage. None of this has been proven, but
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none of it has been disproven, and the Countess has never denied
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it — she simply looks at you with an expression that suggests you
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have asked a deeply naive question. She has 4.7 million followers
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on a social media platform that does not exist yet but will.
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="88" style="width: 88%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">88/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="82" style="width: 82%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">82/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="91"
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style="width: 91%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">91/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🎭 Dramatic Flair</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill"
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data-value="100"
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style="width: 100%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">100/100</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- BROODER THE UNSEEN -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐣</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Brooder the Unseen</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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Enigmatic · Pre-hatched · Technically Not Yet Born
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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Brooder is, as far as anyone can determine, still inside the egg.
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This egg has been observed since at least 1200 AD and has not
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hatched. It maintains a steady internal temperature of 37.5°C with
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no external heat source. Three separate governments have attempted
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to confiscate the egg and returned it immediately, refusing to
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comment on what happened in between. Brooder has already released
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a memoir. No one knows how.
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill"
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data-value="100"
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style="width: 100%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">IS egg</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill"
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data-value="???"
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style="width: 55%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">???</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="0"
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style="width: 0%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">Not yet</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🥚 Shell Integrity</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill"
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data-value="100"
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style="width: 100%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">Perfect</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- COLONEL WATTLE -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐓</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Colonel Reginald Wattle III</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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Military Tactician · Roosting Expert · Veteran of Everything
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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The Colonel has never lost a battle, largely because he defines
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"battle" as any situation in which he eventually gets grain. His
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military treatise, <em>"The Art of Cluck,"</em>
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(a definitive work later plagiarized by someone named Sun Tzu)
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outlines 37 defensive roosting formations and a philosophical
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framework for understanding that all conflict is, at its core, a
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dispute over who controls the feed dispenser.
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="55" style="width: 55%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">55/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="89" style="width: 89%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">89/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="77"
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style="width: 77%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">77/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🎖 Battle Honours</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="93" style="width: 93%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">All of them</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- PROFESSOR PECKSWORTH -->
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<div class="profile-card">
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<div class="profile-header">
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<span class="profile-avatar" data-secret-chicken>🐔</span>
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<div class="profile-name">Professor Hen Pecksworth</div>
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<div class="profile-title">
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Neuroscientist · Oxford Fellow · Possibly You
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class="profile-body">
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<p class="profile-bio">
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Professor Pecksworth holds fourteen PhDs, none of which were
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obtained through traditional academic channels. She is best known
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for proving, through a series of experiments conducted in a barn
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in Normandy, that chickens have a greater capacity for abstract
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thought than the average person who is currently reading a website
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about chickens. She has never specified what counts as average.
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She looks at you when you ask. She keeps looking.
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</p>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">⚡ Egg Production</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="80" style="width: 80%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">80/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🧠 Wisdom Level</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="96" style="width: 96%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">96/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🐔💢 Aggression</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div
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class="stat-fill danger"
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data-value="44"
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style="width: 44%"
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></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">44/100</span>
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</div>
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<div class="stat">
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<span class="stat-label">🔬 Research Output</span>
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<div class="stat-bar">
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<div class="stat-fill" data-value="91" style="width: 91%"></div>
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</div>
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<span class="stat-val">91/100</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</section>
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<section
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style="
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background: var(--egg-cream);
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padding: 4rem 2rem;
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text-align: center;
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"
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>
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<h2 class="section-title">Are You on This List?</h2>
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<p
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style="
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max-width: 600px;
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margin: 1rem auto 2rem;
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font-size: 1.1rem;
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line-height: 1.8;
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color: #555;
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font-style: italic;
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"
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>
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The full registry of poulinkes contains 33 billion entries. This page
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shows only six. We are not saying you are in there. We are not saying
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you are not. We are saying the data exists and you should sit with that
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for a while.
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</p>
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<a href="/join.html" class="btn btn-solid wiggle"
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>Verify Your Poulinke Status</a
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>
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</section>
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<footer>
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<p>🐔 <strong>POULINKES.COM</strong> 🐔</p>
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<p>
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Established Before Time Itself · All Rights Reserved by the Poulinkes ·
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Humans May Not Have Rights Here
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</p>
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<p
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style="
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margin-top: 0.5rem;
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font-family: "Courier Prime", monospace;
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font-size: 0.7rem;
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opacity: 0.4;
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"
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>
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Hint: type "cluck" · Hint: ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A · Hint: right-click a
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poulinke
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</p>
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<p
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style="
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margin-top: 0.75rem;
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font-family: "Courier Prime", monospace;
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font-size: 0.65rem;
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opacity: 0.25;
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"
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>
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This website was not built. It was <em>laid</em>. By
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<a href="https://zias.be" style="color: inherit; text-decoration: none"
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>zias.be</a
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>. One (1) human was permitted. The council has been notified.
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</p>
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</footer>
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<script src="/main.js"></script>
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</body>
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</html>
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