zias
afc3f42253
the analytics are IN, the plausible is PLAUSIBLE, and now we know exactly which poulinkes fan spends 47 minutes on the lore page at 3am. it's you. we know it's you. the chickens know too. Co-Authored-By: Claude Sonnet 4.6 <noreply@anthropic.com>
313 lines
12 KiB
HTML
313 lines
12 KiB
HTML
<!doctype html>
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<meta charset="UTF-8" />
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0" />
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<title>The Egg Shop — POULINKES.COM</title>
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<link
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rel="icon"
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href="data:image/svg+xml,<svg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' viewBox='0 0 100 100'><text y='.9em' font-size='90'>🐔</text></svg>"
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/>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="/style.css" />
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<script defer data-domain="poulinkes.com" src="https://analytics.zias.be/js/script.file-downloads.hash.outbound-links.pageview-props.revenue.tagged-events.js"></script>
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<script>window.plausible = window.plausible || function() { (window.plausible.q = window.plausible.q || []).push(arguments) }</script>
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</head>
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<body>
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<nav>
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<div class="nav-brand">🐔 POULINKES.COM</div>
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<ul>
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<li><a href="/">The Nest</a></li>
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<li><a href="/lore.html">Poulinke Lore</a></li>
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<li><a href="/meet.html">Meet the Flock</a></li>
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<li><a href="/conspiracies.html">Conspiracies</a></li>
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<li><a href="/shop.html">Egg Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="/join.html" class="cta">Join the Flock</a></li>
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</ul>
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</nav>
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<div class="page-hero">
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<div style="font-size: 4rem; margin-bottom: 1rem">🥚</div>
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<h1>The Sacred Egg Shop</h1>
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<p>
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Acquire relics of the poulinke realm. All items are either out of stock,
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unclear, or disputed.
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</p>
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</div>
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<!-- NOTICE BAR -->
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<div
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style="
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background: var(--egg-yolk);
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color: var(--egg-dark);
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font-family: "Cinzel", serif;
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font-size: 0.75rem;
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font-weight: 700;
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letter-spacing: 0.15em;
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text-align: center;
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padding: 0.75rem;
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text-transform: uppercase;
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"
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>
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⚡ Free spiritual shipping on orders over $∞ · All sales are final · Some
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sales are not real · All sales are witnessed by the poulinkes ⚡
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</div>
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<section style="background: white; padding: 5rem 2rem">
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<p
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style="
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text-align: center;
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font-family: "Crimson Text", serif;
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font-style: italic;
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font-size: 1.1rem;
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color: #666;
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max-width: 600px;
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margin: 0 auto 3rem;
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line-height: 1.8;
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"
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>
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Every item here has been carefully sourced from the coop. Every item is
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out of stock. This is not a supply chain issue. The poulinkes simply do
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not wish to part with these things. We list them anyway, because the
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longing is part of the experience.
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</p>
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<div class="shop-grid">
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">💨</span>
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<h3>Premium Coop Air™</h3>
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<p>
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Hand-captured from the interior of a certified poulinke residence.
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Notes of hay, ambition, and the faint scent of someone who has
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figured something out but isn't telling you.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$44.00 / breath</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🥚</span>
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<h3>Signed Egg (Unsigned)</h3>
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<p>
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A genuine egg, signed by Sir Clucksworth the Eternal. The signature
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is not visible to humans. Poulinkes can see it. They have confirmed
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it exists. We have not confirmed the poulinkes confirmed this.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$333.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🪶</span>
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<h3>Authentic Poulinke Feather</h3>
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<p>
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May or may not be from a poulinke. Feather is of bird origin. That
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is all we can confirm. Comes with a certificate of authenticity that
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is also of uncertain origin.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$189.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🎵</span>
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<h3>The Sacred Cluck (MP3)</h3>
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<p>
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A recording of Sir Clucksworth clucking once, in 1987, in the
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presence of three world leaders. What was communicated has never
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been translated. The file is 14 seconds long. It feels longer.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$12.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">📜</span>
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<h3>The Book of Cluck (Fragment)</h3>
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<p>
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A single page from the sacred text, written in original Cluckish.
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Comes with a partial translation. The translation is missing the
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most important sentence. The missing sentence is different for every
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reader.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$670.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🕯️</span>
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<h3>Coop Ambiance Candle</h3>
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<p>
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"Midnight Roost" scent. Notes of cedar, wheat, and existential
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certainty. Burns for approximately 40 hours, during which you will
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feel watched. You are watched. This is not the candle.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$55.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🖼️</span>
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<h3>Portrait of Brooder (the Unhatched)</h3>
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<p>
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An artist's impression of what Brooder the Unseen looks like,
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painted by someone who has never seen Brooder but felt they were
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being watched by an egg once and translated the experience.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$1,200.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🧴</span>
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<h3>Egg Yolk Wisdom Serum</h3>
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<p>
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Apply to temples during important decisions. Formulated from egg
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yolk and "additional sacred ingredients." The additional sacred
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ingredients are more egg yolk. Wisdom sold separately. Wisdom is not
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available.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$89.00 / 30ml</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">⌚</span>
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<h3>The Poulinke Does Not Watch Time Watch</h3>
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<p>
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A timepiece with no numbers, no hands, and no mechanism. Time is a
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human construct. The poulinke simply knows. This watch helps you
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practice not knowing. It is extremely expensive.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$4,000.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">📦</span>
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<h3>Mystery Coop Box</h3>
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<p>
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Contains one item from the coop. Item is not specified. Item may be
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physical, conceptual, or a feeling. Some recipients received just a
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single feather. One recipient received an answer to a question they
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hadn't asked yet. Returns not accepted.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$99.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🐣</span>
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<h3>Companion Egg (Non-Hatching)</h3>
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<p>
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A decorative egg for those who feel they need one present during
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important meetings, moments of doubt, or late-night existential
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reckonings. The egg does not hatch. It simply is. This is enough.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$25.00</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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<div class="shop-item wiggle">
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<span class="out-of-stock-badge">Out of Stock</span>
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<span class="shop-item-icon">🌀</span>
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<h3>"You Are a Poulinke" Confirmation Letter</h3>
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<p>
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An official letter, on heavy cream paper, confirming that you are a
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poulinke. The letter does not specify when, how, or in what
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capacity. It simply confirms. The confirmation is not new
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information. It is a reminder.
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</p>
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<span class="shop-price">$Free (out of stock)</span>
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<span class="btn-disabled">Add to Cart</span>
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</div>
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</div>
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</section>
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<!-- WAITLIST -->
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<section
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style="
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background: var(--egg-dark);
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text-align: center;
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padding: 4rem 2rem;
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"
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>
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<div style="font-size: 3rem; margin-bottom: 1rem">📋</div>
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<h2
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style="
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font-family: "Cinzel", serif;
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color: var(--egg-yolk);
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font-size: 2rem;
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margin-bottom: 1rem;
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"
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>
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Join the Waitlist
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</h2>
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<p
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style="
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font-family: "Crimson Text", serif;
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font-style: italic;
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color: var(--feather-pale);
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font-size: 1.1rem;
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max-width: 550px;
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margin: 0 auto 2rem;
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line-height: 1.8;
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opacity: 0.8;
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"
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>
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Items will be restocked when the poulinkes decide. The poulinkes have
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not decided. You can join the waitlist. The waitlist is currently 33
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billion names long. Most of the names are poulinkes. We did not ask them
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how they got on it.
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</p>
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<a href="/join.html" class="btn wiggle"
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>Join the Flock (Waitlist Access Included)</a
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>
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</section>
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<footer>
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<p>🐔 <strong>POULINKES.COM</strong> 🐔</p>
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<p>
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Established Before Time Itself · All Rights Reserved by the Poulinkes ·
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Humans May Not Have Rights Here
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</p>
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<p
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style="
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margin-top: 0.5rem;
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font-family: "Courier Prime", monospace;
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font-size: 0.7rem;
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opacity: 0.4;
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"
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>
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Hint: type "cluck" · Hint: ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A · Prices subject to
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change based on the mood of the coop
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</p>
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<p
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style="
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margin-top: 0.75rem;
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font-family: "Courier Prime", monospace;
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font-size: 0.65rem;
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opacity: 0.25;
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"
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>
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This website was not built. It was <em>laid</em>. By
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<a href="https://zias.be" style="color: inherit; text-decoration: none"
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>zias.be</a
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>. One (1) human was permitted. The council has been notified.
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</p>
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</footer>
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<script src="/main.js"></script>
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</body>
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</html>
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